PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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