Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
