the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
