i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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