just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
