can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
