goodnight i made you a song goodbye
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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