Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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