I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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