Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
