Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
