Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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