Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
ttyl tear gas
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
