seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
