I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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