It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
