someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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