Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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