Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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