Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
