i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
