im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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