Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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