I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
