Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
