His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
