even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
