my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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