Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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