U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
This is not my ceiling
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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