i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
