It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
