There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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