So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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