I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
