It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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