Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
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