Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
