You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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