so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
