people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize