i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
