her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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