dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
