Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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