Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
