If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
