i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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