the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
