My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
