i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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