WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I cannot find my penis.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
